GOP Blockbusters Are Box Office Bombs

I love going to the movies. As the lights go down and I sink into my seat, entertainment becomes an escape, a place to lose myself for a few hours in fun, fantasy and drama. Those diversions are especially precious after reading the latest news out of Washington, which is like watching a horror picture that never ends.

With that in mind, here are some major Hollywood films the Trump Administration has put its own unique spin on in its first 200 days.

Despicable Me 3: Actually, it was Despicable Me 10, because that’s how many days this Anthony Scaramucci epic lasted. The Mooch clearly didn’t watch The Godfather or he might have grasped, “it’s not personal, it’s strictly business.” But he did channel a fellow Scarface, as evidenced by these previously unrevealed quotes from Tony Montana to a New Yorker reporter that were never published, since he went off the record:

“I never f-ed anybody over in my life that didn’t have it coming to them.” ( Spicer and Preibus made their deal with the devil, but the check bounced).

“I always tell the truth. Even when I lie.” (The origin of alternative facts).

“This is paradise, I’m tellin’ ya. This town is like a great big p—-y just waiting to get f-ed.” (Shades of Billy Bush!)

Wonder Woman: Make that Wonder Women, starring Republican Senators Lisa Murkowski and Gail Collins, who bravely stood up to the GOP forces on health care by following the script’s plot, “Princesses of the Amazon fight alongside men in a war to end all wars, finally discovering their full powers and true destiny.” Of course, all those men (and women) were Democrats and better-late-than-never hero, John McCain.

Dark Knights: Batman Mitch McConnell and Robin Paul Ryan turn out to be the real bad guys in Gotham City, with performances even worse than Ben Affleck’s.

Smurfs—The Lost Village: President Trump’s base, which will seemingly support him regardless of his divisive, destructive behavior.

The Big Sick: That same base that would have been the most screwed over by the AHCA. If this abomination of healthcare legislation had passed, the sequel would have been The Fate of the Furious.

Get Out: A cast featuring 61% of Americans who disapprove of Trump’s performance, as his ratings in the polls (and Rotten Tomatoes) continue dropping.

Dunkirk: Jeff Sessions barely escapes a blitzkrieg attack by the assumed ally he was the first to support for president.

Hidden Figures: Starring Steve Bannon, the cat with nine lives. Jared Kushner used to be in the cast, but got caught in a secret meeting with the Russians, adding another name to the list of 100 foreign contacts he omitted from his original security clearance forms.

La La Land: Anyone who lives in an alternate reality and believes that Trump actually has some coherent policies, since he confuses America First with his own cinéma vérité, Me First.

The Great Wall: A dud Matt Damon wished he’d never built – and Mexico refused to pay for.

Alien—Covenant: This week’s proposed plan to reduce the number of immigrants allowed to enter the United States by 50%.

There are simply too many movies to choose just one for Trump, so take your pick: The Boss Baby, Captain Underpants, Fifty Shades Darker, Resident Evil and The Promise.

Now, for some positive reviews. It’s only fair to mention some feel-good remakes just released or projects currently in development, which are being co-produced by Democrats and Republicans.

Red Dawn: The House and Senate overwhelmingly pass legislation limiting the White House from reducing sanctions on Russia. The Romeo & Juliet love affair between Putin and Trump has also been short cut by parental forbiddance from Congress.

Awakenings: Bipartisan efforts to stabilize the health insurance markets so Obamacare doesn’t implode, led by the Problem Solvers Caucus. To paraphrase the Mooch, the executive branch has been bloc blocked.

Rise from the Dead: There has been new talk of bipartisan efforts on tax reform. Through absolute necessity, the concept of working across the aisle has been removed from life support.

And finally, in the documentary category:

The Right Stuff: Senator Jeff Flake has separated himself from the flock of GOP sheep by restating traditional conservative principles, which have been wandering in the desert for decades, then buried under the sand by faux Guardians of the Galaxy like Ted Cruz and Mark Meadows. Flake also postulates that selling the nation’s soul to Trump may turn out to be the party’s Fatal Attraction. (While we’re here, RIP Sam Shepard.)

There will undoubtedly be more Republican blockbusters in 2017 and to stay sane during these absurdist times, I’ll keep absconding to darkened theaters. Thankfully, they’re all air conditioned, as parts of the country experience unprecedented heat waves, not signs of global warming.

Apparently, Some Like It Hot.